Ani contacted me a few weeks ago about doing an interview-swap of sorts, which was really exciting, because a) Ani is wonderful, and b) I get to try being on the other side of the, uhm, email-exchange? Receiving questions rather than sending them. And let me tell you, I knew it was going to be tricky for me to be the interviewee, because I am indecisive and have a tendency to  over-think everything, but this was much, much, much harder than I had expected — a hell of a challenge in fact. I needed 3 days to think of an answer to just one of the questions. Maybe this is why I never get anything done in school.

Anyway, I got to interview Ani, which was sweet. Ani is a sweet and lovely 26 year old girl from L.A, California, who blogs over at Love Well Crafted. Also, she has the most stunning eyes, ever.

***

What is your favorite sound?

I love the sound of the ocean. That moment when you just barely doze off under the sun, laying out on the beach, and when you wake up, everything is sort of hazy but you feel the sun and all you can hear are the waves crashing. It’s so peaceful, and one of the reasons I would never want to move away from the west coast!

When do you feel beautiful?

That’s a tough one. I think I feel beautiful when I put on an outfit and it works, effortlessly. It just has the perfect fit and I feel glamorous, powerful, fun, flirty, whatever it is I want to feel like with that outfit, right away, without having to make adjustments. It also helps when I get a compliment, especially from my hubby!

Do you often smile at people on the street?

I try to! It’s funny, when I participate in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, you walk for two days and you smile and say hi to just about everyone that walks by because that’s just what you do, and everyone is super friendly. So, for DAYS after the walk, I am still in that mode. Last year I was walking through the halls at the hospital smiling and saying hi to everyone … all these doctors I didn’t know, and everyone thought I was nuts! But I think it makes us all happier people. I mean, it’s just a smile – it’s free! So why not?

If you had to choose one color to wear forever, which would it be?

Such a tough one to answer. I’m getting in to bright and bold colors and patterns lately, but I feel like I always revert back to a pair of comfy jeans and a gray sweater. That dark heather gray color is so comfortable to me, it’s always soft and soothing. It sounds boring, but I love it!

When was the last time you cried in a movie theater?

Oh jeez. OK… confession…. I cried at the end of Brave. I took my cousins to see it and it was so sweet, it’s really a great mother-daughter movie. And at the end (*spoiler alert*) when the mom is still a bear and they think she’s stuck forever, it’s just so sad…. :’(

What would you most like to be remembered for?

I’d like to be remembered as someone who was loving, caring, and creative. A good nurse who does her job right, is an advocate for her patients, and helped make a difference. I’d like for people to remember my style and my creativity (my blog!?) and that I am always trying to find another project to start. But mostly, I hope that whatever people remember me for, it can one day inspire others to reach their full fabulously loving and creative potential!

HOLY EFFING SHIT, WE WON THE EUROVISION SONGCONTEST.

Some of you might not know what that is, but it’s like… the annual Champions League of tacky music. It was created in the mid-fifties to bring a broken up and war-torn Europe back together after World War II, to give us something to bond over — Music. Each year, more countries are added to the competition, and now there are so many that we need semi-finals to decide who should be in the finale (where there are “just” 26 countries participating). Unfortunately, it has become very political, with neighboring countries voting for each other, etc. At least, you sometimes get the sense that there is more than just one motive when it comes to handing out points… that part is a little disheartening, and a relatively new phenomenon, which kind of takes away from the innocence of the concept and the mentality it was originally founded on.

ANYWAY.

I was beginning to think that winning was going to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing, which would mean that I had already had my “once”, since I was alive and kicking back in 2000, when we last won. Last night, thirteen years later, we won again, and Denmark has officially gone berserk. Like, beserk. Everyone is extatic, almost dancing in the streets. We knew our chances were good (notice how I say “we”, like I have had any part in this), because we had a really great song for once, but you can never be sure, ever. And because I am a careful optimist, I kept a healthy skepticism, because hybris likes to kick you in the rear when you get too confident. That is why the Danish speaker/commentator annoyed the hell out of me. 5 minutes into the show he made it sound like we had already won, and I just refuse to believe that it is good karma to be so ahead of the game and overly assure of yourself. This time, Karma had other plans/better things to do than pay attention to our douche of a speaker, but next time, next time I bet you we won’t be so lucky.

I was so proud last night. So proud and so happy. It’s such a stupid thing to feel pride about, but I guess I feel proud for several reasons. First, I am proud that we had such a good entry, because we really did. Emmelie de Forest, our performer/representative is just 20 years old, and she has been consistently great throughout the whole thing. She is sympathetic, humble, and she was modestly dressed (unlike some of the other, erhm, performers). The song had a universal message (the lyrics were pretty banal, but I have yet to hear a song in this competition that has profound lyrics), something we could all relate to, and the production and arrangement was brilliant for this show. It had easily recognizable instruments (a flute and drums), and you got a sense of the chorus straight away. It was just an all-around great song. The second reason why I am proud is that it was written by a completely unknown song-writing team. One of them, a young male, is working as a sound technician on one of our larger TV-stations. Another one, a young woman, finished 5th (or something to that degree) on our version of the X-Factor. The third one has written songs for this show before, but apparently not as successfully. It just proves that we need new blood, and that there is a new generation ready to take over this competition.

I watched it in the summerhouse with my grandmother, and there is no one I would rather have shared this experience with. We’re not proud to say it, but we watch it every year, even when we know we have no chance of winning, and every year we tell each other, “There is no hell we are going to waste three hours of our lives on this BS next year”, but we do. Every year. Because you know most other people are watching it, and it’s like a nationalist thing. You feel extra connected to everyone else, and everyone wants the same thing. Everyone feels a little extra united, I guess. And now we also feel pride.

If you want to, you can watch our entry here.

When I was little, it was a yearly tradition for my grandparents to buy a stand at a flea-market, and I would come help by selling cake. I have a picture where I am standing behind piles and piles of things, trying to sell a piece of cake. And, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am pretty sure my overalls and braids contributed to at least 50% of the sales we made. And my overall winning personality, of course, which was prevalent even back then. I remember telling several ladies that they looked “fabulous” and “beautiful” in my grandmother’s old coats, and most of them bought them! So to me, flea-markets have always equaled SUCCESS EXPERIENCE, where you leave with a lot less shit and a ton of cha-ching.

However, that was many years ago, and my grandparents eventually stopped going. But I have always held on to my things thinking that one day I was going to do that again, on my own, and get rid of them that way. Fast forward to yesterday, where I, after a spur of the moment decision made last week after seeing a poster advertising this flea-market, decided to spend four and a half (cold, windy) stiff hours on the lawn in front of my building along with ten other people, including my sister, who, like me, had chosen to defy wind and weather in attempt to sell all their old no longer wanted bullshit gold.

It took my sister and I twenty minutes to carry out a table, four chairs (two of them were used to showcase our items), and at least one hundred pounds worth of bullshit things, like books, DVD’s (who even uses those anymore), shoes, and clothes – and an electrical heating blanket, which I wanted to be our centerpiece. I do have some experience, after all. However, I was sharing a stand with a rookie, and it was veto’ed.

Our view from behind our stand.

So, we waited. And we waited. And we waited. And the wind blew all of our things on the grass. And this was pretty much the circle of events. Lots of waiting, lots of attempting to keep things from flying off the table, lots of tea-runs. No one bought anything, except for me, who kept going to our competition to buy things out of absolute boredom.

Someone was selling store-bought cake that was still in the wrapper for twice the original price — I thought that was pretty ballsy. And before you go think the worst of me, no, I didn’t buy it! But someone else did and was snacking on it for an hour.

Eventually, more people came, and a lot of people were interested in our things, at least it seemed that way; but it never really took off. It rarely got beyond, “How much is this?”, and even though our prices were in no way unreasonable, it just wasn’t interesting enough, I suppose. My sister sold a lot more than me, which led to a looooot of tension behind our table, let me tell you. Every time she went inside to pee, I contemplated setting her things on fire.

JK. (Sorta)

So, what DID I sell? I sold a copy of Michelle Obama’s autobiography, and a jewelry tree — and made a grand total of 8 dollars. Ergo, Totally Epic Mega Fail.

The flea-market was supposed to last till 4p.m, but at 2:30 I looked at my sister and said, “It’s cold, it’s depressing, I am hungry, and I have spent more than I have earned. How about we say fuck it and go watch “Twin Peaks”?”. And because my sister is the best sister in the world, she responded with the words I most desired to hear at the moment. “Oh my god, yes!”. So we packed up all of our things, again, which was pretty much everything we had carried out earlier in the day, and that was that. I was going to take a picture of our stand before we packed everything up, just to show you that there was practically ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MISSING, but I forgot. Sorry. Just look at the first photo and pretend it’s the end result, because it was.

It was SO demotivating. But, I have decided to not let this be my last time flea-market’ing, because I don’t want to have my last experience be a bad one. And also, it’s so circumstantial. You can be lucky, you can be unlucky. Either way, I will try again. At some point. When it’s at least 25 degrees celsius outside, and if the flea-market is held near a hotdog-stand.

And it’s all I need. I am happy, I am content. I am walking, breathing, and I go home with a set of lungs full of fresh air and so much hope that I feel like I could burst. I am a flower blooming along with the bushes, trees, and everything else living that is cared for and nurtured by the sun and the earth’s natural resources. Unstoppable, invincible, every walk is like leaving the nest for the first time; brave and with wings that have been neatly patched up by those who love me, those who cared for me when I felt like I would be broken forever. For ten months, my grandparents held my hand and guided me through the fog of a situation that seemed so meaningless. Now, here I am, their babybird. Hope is the thing with feathers…

Sometimes I am joined by my sister, who clearly could have been a prima ballerina assoluta. Such grace, such style.

And sometimes we play. And sometimes I hide in crooked little houses and wave to the camera.

It’s all out there waiting for me.

Yesterday, I just happened to walk by my aunt’s totally sane ex-boyfriend’s leisure woodshop; a sanctuary that holds a lot of wooden flutes and toilet paper holders, and also a place he had to call home for a couple of months after he was, erhm, “brutally kicked out” of their shared apartment.

Without giving too many details (it’s not my story to tell, although I reeeally want to), I just wanted to show you an alternative way to handle a break-up.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could lie on your deathbed and have the answer to this question be NO? To be able to say that you have followed every dream, trusted every gut feeling, followed all of your own advice, made every change, and been the leader of every revolution you set out to lead?

There are different tragic realizations you hit at different points in your life. I am at the “time is moving with a frightening speed”- realization right now. There are just not enough seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour, hours in a day, days in a year, years in a lifetime, etc. Or maybe there is. Maybe there is just enough, if you work well under pressure.

I will most likely have said more than I have done. I say A LOT. I am full of words. I spew words like dragons spew fire. And some things that I have set out to do are just plain unrealistic. Like for instance moving to a desolate island, becoming the president, and only allow people who are less than five feet tall to move there so my short stature complex won’t be triggered. On my island, everyone will be given free health insurance and free education and a daily hug and a cookie at the castle (my abode). The only thing I will not allow is bone extensions. That is strictly forbidden.

And now I see that that is unrealistic, and so I have had to let that go. It’s as simple as that.

I will do whatever I can to make sure that my time here is not wasted. At the same time, I also have to accept that sometimes things don’t turn out the way you planned… sometimes you are forced to go down another route, one that might delay you. Some things you will have to compromise on. Some things you will change your mind about. And I think, honestly, that most of us have the absolute best intentions… and while we might not all be able to change the world on a larger scale, it is about seeing the difference we make on a smaller scale, and accepting that as being valuable, too.

——

I am currently participating in the “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind”-list from Marc And Angel Hack Life.

Clearly, I should have been an English major.

***

There is an odor in here,
And it’s really severe,
How can fiddling with expiration,
Lead to such asphyxiation?
The food was supposed to be frozen,
And now, like an explosion,
This unappetizing smell has hit my schnoz,
And it’s entirely my loss,
So, I can’t help but ponder…
What’s the source of the smell in the big cold box down yonder?
Is it that fish I bought on sale?
Or maybe the block of homemade soup that looks like urine from a whale?
Is it those mini-pizzas I have tried to hide?
Or perhaps the frozen berries I weep into at night?
Might it be the chop meat that’s gone bad?
Or maybe that spicy chicken I never had?
Now, I don’t mean to imply,
That it might be that meat pie,
But it really smells like death in here,
Fuck, I think it’s that canary I forgot to burry last year.

***

Firstly, no animals were harmed in the making of this poem. Secondly, I have yet to locate the smell. I was going to yesterday, but then I went out to lunch with a friend and had clams, and it’s like, when you have had clams, you feel like you have the whole pacific ocean in your belly, and you don’t need to be seeing/smelling something that can push you over the edge, if you know what I mean. It’s a weird enough feeling as is. Thirdly, I am feeling really good today. I hope you are also.

The summerhouse season has officially begun, and I guess someone forgot to pass that memo along to the weather, because I have spent the last two days in a sweatsuit doing crosswords in front of the fireplace.

Actually, that’s not true. Friday evening I ventured out on a bicycle-ride for the first time in nearly a year, thinking that the little rural roads and paths would be a good, safe place to start; plenty of bushes on each side to lessen potential crashes, etc. You may never forget how to ride a bike, but it’s the act of balancing myself, twenty pounds heavier than last year and with absolutely no thigh muscles that I was worried about. You would think that after two years of classical ballet training and ten years (still counting) of having a secret fantasy about being a member of the official Riverdance team and practicing in front of the mirror would have done something positive for my balancing skills, but no – at 23 I can say that life has taught me that self-denial does nothing for one’s tushie.

So, the act of my getting on the bike was anything but graceful, but I told myself that it’s not about how you get on it, but rather how you ride it.

Ahem.

The first 400 meters went great. I felt healthy and vibrant and alive, albeit a little bit worried about all them rocks and bumps and holes in the road, but I have to admit that the 400 meters of easy riding had gotten me to the level of self-confidence to where I felt equipped to participate in the Tour de France. And see, that is my problem. Give me one bit of success and I will believe I can do it for a living. Anyway, I was flying, the trees went by in a flash, and I was treading those pedals like an iron(wo)man. In my completely unbiased opinion, of course.

And then, then it’s like my legs caught up to my dynamic spirit and realized what was going on, and about thirty seconds later I was SO DONE. Like, I was huffing and puffing and swearing and my thighs and gluteus maximus were screaming for mercy, and even 5 degree slopes felt like the Himalaya. I went from soaring on my iron horse to it suddenly taking me three years to get past one tree; a tree which I can tell you every detail of because I spent three years looking at it.

At one point about 75% through I had to get off and walk for a little bit, because a) it was faster, let’s be honest, and b) those 3,5 degree slopes were merciless. The relief I felt when I finally made it home, man oh man, it was just as overwhelming as the embarrassment I felt that it had been SO hard for me. Like, I knew I was in bad shape after a year of inactivity, but holy shit, I didn’t expect for it to be this excruciatingly exhausting. So, I am not saying that I will wait a year with my next attempt, but I think my backside has to get over the trauma of having swallowed a bicycle saddle whole first. It seems like the more humane thing to do.

***

On a side-note, my office is almost done! I have decided to make it an office slash guest room, and have bought a used chair futon from IKEA, which has the softest mattress ever.  I love buying second-hand things, it’s like a kick I get. This one I got for 1/4 of the original price. Splendid, just splendid. Can’t wait to show you the result!

1. Today, I saw myself forced to make a difficult decision. I have decided to (severely) cut down on my coca cola zero intake. I made the mistake of telling my dentist about my only vice, also known as the one thing that makes every-day life bearable, and he made it abundantly clear that my carbonated friend is pretty much undoing everything he (the dentist) is doing every third month. I thought for sure it was the crack. RIP Happiness.
2. Today, I walked 3,4 kilometers just by going to the dentist and back.
3. Today, I watched yet another episode of “Hercule Poirot”, and yet again had to ask myself, 1) How does he do it? 2) Why do I see so much of myself in this chubby neurotic Belgian detective, who walks like a penguin and talks about himself in the third person? (rhetorical question, please don’t answer).
4. Today, I learned that my complexion definitely can’t pull off yellow nail polish. I’m alright.
5. Today, I realized that there are things about the Spanish language that I am never going to understand. So, plan B: MEMORIZATION GALORE.
6. Today, I gave a taxi driver instructions to how to remove a coffee stain on his white shirt. Five minutes later, he smelled his own arm pits, while looking at me in the rearview mirror. Surreal.

It feels like the last 7 days have gone by in a flash. I can tell each day apart in my head, and each day has contained some big event that has either taught me a valuable lesson about myself or about others. It’s been exhausting and energizing at the same time. I have started various posts, but have never hit ‘publish’, because with all of the BS that has been happening, it made everything else seem pale and trivial in comparison.

I want to write about the big things, the ground-shaking things, but almost everything that is now coming undone by the seams is part of a larger, much more complex story; a story that continues to progress, and each day adds a new shade or nuance to the story, and every day I try hard to hold on to my version, the story that has become me, because I know there has to be some truth in there somewhere. But I am not sure if this is an ultra-private battle that needs to remain under the surface. I am not even sure if I am a good enough writer to write about something that is unfinished, unresolved. I prefer when I can tie a knot on things, because then it has been fixed, and I can reflect, and hopefully not come across as a hurt kid. I am almost 24, after all.

I know this sounds awfully cryptic, and if there is anything that can really annoy me, it is when people don’t just flat out say what the hell is going on. Seriously, You can take away my brownie if you want. Actually, it’s more like an apple, because I am currently trying to shed the twenty pounds I gained during my ten months of complete immobility.

Anyway, now that I got the awkward, “Here is why I have been M.I.A”-post out of the way, my regular posting can continue. It’s funny, but the more days that go by, the harder it becomes to pick up the computer and write again. And then, once you get through that first paragraph, it’s like you are right back where you belong.